TLC is often described as a good basis for a relationship.
While the usual meaning of course is Tender Loving Care, a more useful approach in maintaining a long-term relationship is:
T
Tolerance
L
Love
C
Compromise
Arguments between people are a huge source of distress in our lives. At the same time, arguing is a normal part of human existence, but I hope the following tips will minimise the distress to those involved.
1
Keep your voice down, everybody!
Our instinctive response in arguments is to raise our voice to emphasise how strongly we feel about what we are saying. However, such raising of the voice brings with it automatic responses within us, ranging from changes in our facial expression and body language to the production of “vibes” indicating aggression. These vibes may well be accompanied by the production of pheromones, hormones which we produce without being aware of them, and which are picked up through the sense of smell in those around us, without them being consciously aware that they are being affected by these hormones.
The automatic instinctive human response to someone else raising their voice and giving off the above signals is to do the same ourselves, leading to escalating friction and intensification of the fight.
Therefore, the simple message is that everybody can say what they have to say, but in a quiet voice. This policy allowed people to express their point of view, and even to say negative things to each other, but without the exchange becoming unconsciously magnified by unintentional invitations to fight being issued to the person with whom we are talking.
2
Every viewpoint has some validity
The fear that the other person does not understand our viewpoint, or is dismissing it as irrelevant or wrong, often leads to arguments arising from attempts to discuss various issues between people. If voices get raised, the problem is even worse. A very useful tactic is to say to the other person something along the lines of “I understand your point of view and I will think about it”. This is particularly useful if the person with whom you are talking is saying the same thing over and over again. Such a phrase does not mean that you agree with them, but that their message has been received by you. It then is quite appropriate to add “I hope you understand and will think about my point of view which is …”.
Mutual acknowledgement that the points of view of each party have been understood will hopefully allow the subject to be dropped without further hostility.
3
The 1 – 10 measure of opinions
When two people have different opinions as to how to handle a particular situation, where to go for a social arrangement etc, the following technique can be quite useful in avoiding angry exchanges or raised voices in trying to emphasise how strongly we each feel about the situation. Whether it be which restaurant or movie to go to, how something should be done, how money should be spent, or which school a child should attend, what is needed is a way of easily establishing how strongly each party feels about his or her viewpoint. Therefore asking each other to rate how strongly you hold your viewpoint on a 1–10 scale is very useful.
This of course requires that both parties be honest! You cannot have a 9 out of 10 strength of opinion about everything. If one person feels much more strongly about a particular choice than the other, it would seem appropriate to go along with the more strongly held viewpoint, unless one person is continuously coming up with the highest rating, so that there is no equal power in the relationship. Keeping track of the ratings used by both parties may clarify this issue.
If both people involved have equal ratings on a particular issue, then maybe it can be taken in turns to make decisions in such a scenario, or even something as simple as tossing a coin may prevent an argument and hurt feelings. Why not try it and see? Using numbers to transmit your feelings is much better than raising your voice!
4
Dropping the subject
Once both parties have expressed their opinions, and have received some indication that their point of view is understood but no compromise is obvious, it is often very useful to then suggest that the subject will not be discussed any further, until both people have really had time to let their emotions settle and even think about what has been said. Phrases such as “Let’s drop the subject so that we don’t argue”, or “Let’s agree to have different opinions for the time being”, are a useful way of dropping unpleasant subjects without leading to more friction. It is up to the person who asked to drop the subject to then raise another topic, to avoid subsequent deadly/hostile silence!
5
Saying “Sorry”
We all think we are right in our views. But we need a way to come to a truce, and to defuse the strong emotions and hurt feelings intrinsic to normal arguments, without feeling we are walking away from our personal opinions. A useful phrase for both parties is to say “I am sorry for my part of the argument”. If both parties say something similar, and the exact contribution of each side is not discussed further, peace can return. There is virtually never a situation in normal relationships where one person is 100% responsible for an argument. But we will never agree with each other on the relative contributions to friction, so this debate is best avoided.
These techniques of conflict resolution can be applied in a whole range of situations whether it be with a partner, a colleague at work or a disagreement between teenagers and parents.
1
Talk to each other for 20–30 minutes a day!
The one thing we are all short of in life is time. Deliberately spending regular time to talk with one other person only is objective proof of care for that person. It is therefore very useful to make sure that each evening the two of you sit down together, with the phones and TV turned off, no newspapers available, and the children not around. Younger children may be in bed and older children can be told not to interrupt private adult time, a good example for them for future years as to how to run a relationship. It does not matter what is discussed, as long as arguments are avoided.
2
The right of veto
To prevent these 20 to 30 minute sessions, perhaps with a cup of coffee or a drink, turning into arguments, each party has the right of veto, so that potentially explosive subjects can be dropped before they escalate into an argument. It is important the subject is dropped immediately on request, to prevent a series of further remarks. To prevent deadly silence after the veto has been used, the person who vetoes one subject has to raise the next topic of conversation. It needs to be emphasised that the use of a veto is a constructive approach, designed to ensure that the time together is a positive rather than negative experience.
3
Go out alone together once a week
Having a nice time outside the house socially is very important. However, if this only happens in the company of other people, it takes away from the reminder that you and your partner can have a nice time together, just in each other’s company. This is an essential component of enjoying the relationship with your partner. When you were dating each other, you did not bring half a dozen friends with you every time you saw each other!
4
Make deals
As time passes, we are all tempted to become less patient with the habits of our partners, and indeed they may well develop new habits as the years go by. Sometimes, it is very useful to make a list in private of particular types of behaviour that you would like your partner to change, and ask your partner to make the same list. You can then perhaps make a deal about doing something differently, in return for your partner also doing something differently. Both people really trying to change bits of behaviour that annoy the other, or are frequent flashpoints for arguments, again confirm that you care about each other, and want a good relationship.
5
The package deal concept
Apart from you and I, nobody is perfect! We all have positives and negatives, and it is easy to take the positives of your partner for granted, and become preoccupied with the negatives. If you know you would miss your partner if he or she died suddenly, then you obviously are glad you have the package. Of course it would be wonderful if various other extras could be added, but if they are not perfect, then you do not have to aim to be perfect either!
Remember: all normal relationships have good and bad phases.
We all come as a package deal.
We all have positives, negatives and okay bits mentally, physically and in our habits. As we become involved with someone, either as a friend or romantically, it is very common to take their positives for granted, and be tempted to try and change other things about them. This can come across as criticism. Often we forget to express appreciation of the positives of the other person.
People and relationships change and need to adjust with the passage of life and the events that happen. Children also are a package deal added to the mix. Novelty, love, trust, liking and friendship fluctuate over time, and all relationships have arguments from time to time, this website has a section on resolving arguments.
In reality, many of the differences between us are the reasons people get attracted romantically to each other in the first place. Do you really want the person you fell in love with to change a lot? Brought to extremes, we would end up as clones of each other with very few individual characteristics.
Do remember there is no perfect person or perfect relationship. That means you do not have to try to be perfect either, just do your best.
